SAILING!!

Well, it's finally happened. Four years later than we had envisaged. But it's happened. Friday afternoon, we sailed into full-time ministry!! No more "Logos Hope - construction zone"! WOO HOO! After a smooth 17 hour sail, we pulled up to an icey berth in Gothenbourg, Sweden. There were islands and lighthouses and shorelines and bays all covered in layers of white on each side of us...so beautiful. It's a very unusual feeling to be watching all this unfamilier beauty unfold out the window as I work on a pumpkin soup! We sluiced through this giant slushy and pulled into the queyside, and by night time, it had built it'self a new layer of ice all around us again! It looks insane to see the sun glaring off the ice and snow, and our ship sitting in the middle of it all!

Last night there was more snow falling than I've ever seen, and it was knee depth within a few hours! I even took the galley garbage out to the skip in my t-shirt with this crazy snow swirling all around! It was so crazy! Then the captain announced a giant snowfight. So war was declared on the queyside, and I even managed to score snow up my nose...then we ran inside and had ICECREAM! And hot pancakes and delicious syrupy hot chocalate...it was SO good.

Plus, I got to make history by being in the first official-ministry-phase-Logos-Hope team! We headed off to a drug rehab at 1pm Friday, and presented the ship ministry to these guys, then sat around and chatted for a few hours. One guy was really touched and shared his whole long story with us of being a bully and a nazi and a druggie and in and out of lock up and how he didn't believe in God. But after sharing his life, he realised how many times he should have died and didn't, and it surprised him. He's only 22. I don't know where he stands with God right now, but he told me that if God can heal his Hep C, then he won't be able to help but believe in Him. He has an appointment in 3 weeks. If you want, you can pray for healing or for God to reveal himself. He's a lovely guy. His name's Yohan.

That would be sweet.

Engine room again

Had some fun scrubbing bilge tanks again...this time it was just their tops though...a much cleaner job!

BEFORE:

...and after...

Still working on the video to send home to all of you. Nearly finished... xxx

Noisy mind

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack,
A crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."

Leonard Cohen

Mum says I don't have to be perfect.
I'm allowed to get things wrong and screw things up and make a royal mess as I do life.
It used to be my biggest revelation when I first came back to God. But now I find myself having to relearn it. I want to get it all right. I want people to not look at me and see a mess. Or a fragile Christian. I want to be ok. I want people to think I'm worth listening too. I want to be stable and sure and "together".

But I'm not really.

Maybe it's a weak phase.
My nightmares bought back a lot of thoughts which I hadn't dwelt on in a long time. I was going to die because I couldn't breathe. He just walked into me - like, melted into me - all thick black evilness, and it was stuck inside me - all through everything of me. And I couldn't get the evil out. But I knew I'd let it in. Like I was super-evil-absorbant. Like I just allowed it to seep into me - passively - cos nothing in me was thick enough or strong enough or ANYTHING enough to put up a fight. And there was so much shame I could taste it.

One night after it woke me, I tried to sing some verses I'd been given. To fight. Voices joined in. Out loud. They didn't stop when I stopped. They laughed at my fear from across the prayer room, and mocked me with this terrifying, dangerous mockery. I ran back to my room -had a shower -pulled on some clothes - and wandered the streets until 7am. Then I caught the train. The streets were terrifying. Full of moving shapes and dark things waiting ahead which seemed to move into the allys and hedges. I was so scared my brain felt like it was full of acid - burning heat. I was so full of terror of the darkness. I couldn't get off that train until it's second trip up the line.

My nightmares are fading now. They aren't so powerful. But they stirred up so many left over memories. And I'm to tired to deal with them. They wear me out. Mum says each deep thought can only be given 5 minutes each day. She's a wise woman. My mind loves to analyse and chew and dig to the roots of every thought it comes across. With so many thoughts, life gets pretty stressful. Brain overload. But thankfully, it can't get into too much of a knot with only 5 minutes.

Back to the simple things. God. Music. Ocean. People.

Yeh.

Thanks for praying. Or for caring enough to feel bad for me. Your letters made me feel pretty loved.